Month: March 2021

Broken

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Today Danny headed off to his first day of Middle School v2.0, which is to say he went to the building itself for school for the first time.

If I am being completely honest, I didn’t see it coming. When we headed into the second semester still seeing high numbers of the virus, I truly thought he would be participating in distance learning for the entirety of his 6th grade year. I had made my peace with that, had even started to prefer it. After all, I know more about what is happening in his world right now than I have since he was 3 years old. (Danny has always lacked the functional language to really tell us what happens at school, and I can only count on asking about 3 specific questions before “he doesn’t know” how his day was and he did “nothing” in all of his classes.)

But however it came to be, today we found ourselves coming full circle. It has been one week short of a year since I had to bring him home early from school out of an abundance of caution; he wasn’t so terribly ill, its just that there was this virus going around…

The next time he would set foot on those school grounds was to get his picture taken for his 5th grade promotion. The last time would be a month later, when we picked up his yearbook.

And then today; a shiny new backpack, a chrome book full of stickers, and his middle school hoodie. My precious vessel, once again out at sea.

Now begins the complicated work of finding the end of the line; hunting through the weeds of what I have not been able to hold together at home to find the place where the thread was severed nearly a year ago and tie it off. Maybe they will find it, but maybe they wont.

This isn’t the first time in his education that the thin line holding him in the space between thriving and deteriorating has broken. It has happened for many reasons, some that were in our control and many more that were not. And at every breaking point I have been filled with despair about what we would lose; what hard fought academic or behavioral gain was going to slip through the cracks while we tried to piece it back together. It isn’t an unreasonable fear; we’ve seen it happen. Data is the devil we know.

However, as sure as I am that important things have been lost, I am equally certain that we will find a way. We may not be able to finish the path we were on but soon enough we will start to see a new one come into focus. The collaborative effort of Danny has always been this way; broken, brilliant pieces, mended together to form the person he will become.

He is a mosaic of unconventional materials; a second grade musical, a fire alarm, a book worth reading, a field trip riding in the “good” busses.

The love of a teacher. And another. And another.

The dedication of a school that sought him through the wilderness.

A year at home with Mom.

His own stubborn grit.

He is a beautiful, unfinished piece of stained glass. And all of the difficult things shine such beauty on us now, we can never take a broken piece for granted.

Journey

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I’ve been thinking today on why people travel.

And I don’t just mean on vacation or some place particularly far; why do people move from place to place? Why do they leave their home at all?

I guess the most obvious answer in our society would be to get the things necessary to meet the needs of a household. Most of us wouldn’t have the resources in our home to feed, clothe, and clean ourselves without leaving the house at some point or another.

And of course it isn’t always an errand. We leave the house to go to school, to spend time with our friends, to visit family, or to go to church.

And yes, we travel on vacations. We go to college and we study abroad; we move for a new job or a new opportunity.

And while all of those journeys are very different, I think the main thing that all of those ventures have in common is that you are motivated to take them for something you want or need. Even if you aren’t particularly looking forward to a trip, you probably are anticipating that you will be better off for having taken it.

After all, no one sets out on a journey expecting to stay in the same place.

I think that spiritual and emotional journeys follow the same logic; they aren’t always fun for the traveler. They can be painful, vulnerable; maybe they challenge the way you see the world, maybe they challenge the way you see yourself. And if they don’t, maybe they should.

Because the wild and beautiful world that we live in does not expect us to stand still. We are created to move; to learn and grow. We are called to embark on a lifetime journey to better understand, better respect, and better care for all of creation. If we aren’t doing that, we are living against the grain of our most holy calling: to love one another as Jesus has loved us.

This has been a crazy time of relative isolation; of living in a small glass houses with an internet front porch. If it has left you with hate and bitterness in your soul, don’t lose hope. Perhaps you’re heart has just been still too long and its time to move. Unclench your fists, open your mind and be ready for the journey.

Gift

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One of my favorite pieces in the library at SUMC is An Offering, by Dan Forrest. The choir has presented it as an anthem in our traditional service a couple times in the last 5 years or so. It is worth listening to if you don’t know it; in fact go do that if you are so inclined.

O Christ, Who spared not any cost, nor any grace withheld, but poured forth Your redeeming blood in love unparalleled. What would you have me offer, Lord? What must I count as loss that I may taste the fellowship that brings me near Your cross? Why should I cling to gifts You give? Why grasp in foolish pride? What You who gave Yourself for me now bid me lay aside? To know You is my highest gain worth any sacrifice. A treasure worthy to possess at any earthly price. Yet if behind my open hands, my heart shrinks from the cost, teach me that nothing offered You is ever truly lost. A hundredfold reward awaits in one glimpse of Your face. My sacrifice forgotten in the riches of Your grace.

Dan Forrest

The first time I heard this song I was struggling hard with the things that I was setting aside to better support Danny; we had hit a wall with him and the only options we could come up with involved doing more at home and less everywhere else. This song spoke directly to my heart at a time when I absolutely needed to hear it. It was painful to walk away from the things I had built and poured myself into but in the end I had no regrets; there really isn’t anything more important than what your child needs.

Nothing more crucial than what keeps your family safe and healthy and whole.

In the last year, what it takes to do those things has been costly in ways we could never have imagined. But it is a holy thing to make sacrifices for those you love.

So if March finds you looking over the sacrifices of the last year with deep pain and sadness, you are not alone. And when your thoughts turn to the celebrations that should have happened, opportunities that couldn’t materialize, or resources you no longer have; consider maybe that you haven’t lost these things, but given them.

“Yet if behind my open hands, my heart shrinks from the cost, teach me that nothing offered You is every truly lost.”

Bless

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Danny has always been a picky eater.

Actually, lets say that Danny has always been a very “specific” eater. He eats a decent variety of foods, but when it comes to what he prefers to eat, he is very particular about the make and model. He really thrives on the consistency of mass produced food items that generally end up looking/feeling/tasting/smelling exactly the same way regardless of where or when they are prepared.

We have been known to refer to the items on Danny’s list of preferred foods as things that have been “blessed” by Danny.

Which is why, I imagine, when I asked him today what it meant to bless something, he told me it meant to “choose” it.

I didn’t correct him. Because isn’t that a beautiful thought?

To bless and be blessed.

To choose and be chosen.